Defenseless [open]

[Max Kameren]

Max was numb.

It preceeded the cold from the rain and the heartbreaking discussion he’d just had with Rowena. This numbness was a long time coming, part of a slow, gradual loss of feeling in the core of his soul over the last few months. With Rowena Max had felt the best and brightest, and without her he was lost. For the last month his objective had been to find her, help her, and keep her safe. Before that it had been simply to love and support her. Now he was aimless.

So he walked. He had no place to go; nowhere he could be alone in his anguish. Ironically he’d gone to Rowena’s home in the first place to be alone and wound up with more loneliness than he’d bargained for. It appeared the sunny day turned with the broken couple’s mood and turned grey. Max didn’t feel the rain weighing down his shoulders and putting a chill in his toes, he pressed on.

Eventually his feet found a familiar path and he followed it, leading him through Muggle London into the Wizarding portion until he found his destination: the Dueling Dragons. He had energy to expend before it burst out through his aura, and his progress with the aurors’ dueling protocol was steadily progressing. In want of something physical he entered the building without speaking to a soul, making a straight line for the restricted Law Enforcement wing and closed the door behind him. It was blessedly empty; Max stepped up into the controls and set the difficulty for how he’d been practicing with Alex, Theo, and Briar, attuned to mimic the Shadowloved by using spells that required a patronus to protect from. He flipped the switch and apparated to the center of the pitch, preparing spells in his mind as he heard the mechanisms whirr into action.

Then he froze. His patronus. The memory he’d come accustomed to using was of Rowena. He was still so raw off of the conversation he’d had with Rowena. She left him, after everything they’d been through together and with so much yet to go. Could he do this? He attempted a patronus and got a flicker of non-corporeal shield for only a moment before it went out.

He cursed under his breath as the mechanism jolted into action and spells hurtled his way.

[Alecsander]

A bright light appeared, fending off the attacking spells. As it coalesced into the form of a great eagle and perched on Max's shoulder, a clunk and a loud beep sounded from the controls as the emergency stop was hit. Machinery whirred as the range reset and Xav came onto the field. She looked curiously at Max, as though he was a particularly interesting specimen. After a long silent moment, she broke the silence.

"All right then?" Of course he was all right, she'd stopped the machinery. Briefly she wondered what had caused the lad to freeze, but a mental shrug dimissed those thoughts. She pushed her glasses up her nose, nodding briefly. Not a lot really caught her interest, Xav was more accustomed to books and research than the emotions of humans, and so it didn't occur to her to wonder why Max's patronus had sputtered. Emotions were hard, and so she typically didn't bother with them--either her own or other's.

The auror peered at Max, frowning to see how soaked he was. It was coming down pretty heavily. "Cold, Max?" she asked, her eagle dissolving as she paused for his response before sending a warming and drying spell his way. She cocked her head to one side, trying to decipher what was off about the boy. Emotions. Whenever she was puzzled about her interactions with others, it was emotions. Usually. Books were so much easier. Straightforward, all laid out neat. Humans were messy. "Its a mess, isn't it?" she tried tenatively.

[Max Kameren]

With no shield to defend himself Max dropped to the floor to let the spells pass over him. He hit the ground just in time to flip onto his shoulder, watching as a silvery shield absorbed the spells and perched on top of him. His attention was directed to the control room, where the spell’s signature met its aura. It was vaguely familiar, definitely a presence he’d experienced in passing but couldn’t quite name. Perfect, he thought to himself, he was just in the mood for introductions.

She hit the emergency stop and wasted no time in meeting him out of the field, observing him curiously. She had an odd aura. It felt disconnected, clinical. Recognition dawned on him: Xaviera Hex’et, another auror and a friend of his uncle and his father. "All right then?"

“Fine, thank you.” Max pushed himself up to a kneeling position and put his face in his hands, trying to clear his head. In the solitude of the empty dueling pitch he’d been able to let go of his grip on himself, but with someone present he needed to wall his aura back up. Being around others meant consciously closing himself off. Especially now; no one needed to feel how frayed he was.

"Cold, Max?" she asked, her eagle dissolving as she paused for his response.

“Oh.” It hadn’t occurred to him that he was still soaking wet from the rain, he’d been so numbed and preoccupied with replaying the scene of this afternoon in his mind. Now that he felt it the chill was welcoming; he could still feel something mundane after all. It wasn’t all the dregs of misery. He was about to shake his head no when she took his silence as affirmation and cast a warming and drying spell on him. “No, it’s - ah, thanks. Sorry.”

"Its a mess, isn't it?" she tried tenatively.

Max sighed, relaxing back onto his heels as he looked around at the targets that had nearly blown him to bits. To put it simply, it was a mess. His relationship with Rowena, his body after what Warghollow had done to him, and his life post-Mungo’s. Now he filled his days pining after Rowena and hanging around his father’s old friends. This had never been what he wanted, he’d wanted to heal. Not more war. “That it is.”

“Alright, let’s see here.” Max’s crouch fell back into a sitting position and he closed his eyes, evening his breathing to try to steady himself. The memory he used was simple: her scent. Right in the morning, that first big breath of air in the morning when Max was nuzzled into Rowena was the sweetest. Those first breaths of the day were filled with her, with her warmth and sleep and sex and the citrusy smell of her hair. He would kiss her neck and it would be salty-sweet, warm from the thin sliver of morning light that cut between their bodies from her bedroom window. Max could think of nothing better.

And that was the problem. With his eyes closed he meditated on the idea, reaching back in his memories for a time he’d been as happy. He came up short. In a half-hearted effort he attempted to use the memory he used prior to meeting Rowena and again got only a thin barrier that flickered out when met with little resistance.

“Fuck.” He ran his hands through his hair, again burying his head in his hands. What would he do now? Without her?

[Alecsander]

“No, it’s - ah, thanks. Sorry.”

Xav nodded briefly, as a matter of course. When someone did something for you, gratitude was appropriate. Something was clearly bothering the boy, she’d had years to work on facial expressions. Sometimes she still screwed them up, but she was confident in her analysis this time. More so than usual. She wasn’t sure why, it was a feeling. She never went by feelings, but she went by this one.

"Its a mess, isn't it?" she tried tentatively.

“That it is. Alright, let’s see here.”

The auror dropped into an easy crouch, rocked back on her heels to be on level with the healer. She watched him, trying and failing to summon his patronus. Ah. So that was it. He lacked a memory. She closed her eyes, briefly thinking of her own.

The feel of old parchment under her fingers, the fading ink. And a pair of familiar green eyes smirking at her. He took a bite of a bagel, saying it was only to placate her insistence. She shifted the pile of old books, scolding him. And he smiled and waved her off, but complied. She knew then that she was accepted. No longer the outlier, the odd one. She had a friend, who listened, and understood, and helped her find her own place in the world. A silvery owl appeared, and she stroked it without opening her eyes. It faded, and she opened them to see Max bury his head.

“Fuck.”

She sat there, balanced over her heels, and waited. He likely would not want platitudes. And truthfully, she was the worst for them. But she could sit near, and give him a friendly face, to say he was not alone. He too possessed those familiar green eyes. She knew what it was to be alone, and didn’t wish it on anyone.

[Max Kameren]

At least she didn’t try and talk to him. He would have dreaded that, having to try to mend his heart in front of a stranger. Her aura was enough, simply her presence making him retreat back into guarding himself. What he needed was a place he could be alone. It was what he’d initially gone to Rowena’s townhome for, a place to be alone. He never got the opportunity to be alone.

He felt the warmth of Xaviera pull upon her own memory for her patronus, its silvery light fading in and out with her spell on his closed eyelids. Great, he was very happy for the seasoned auror that she could summon a full patronus. Max wasn’t an auror, he was a healer. He told himself that, but the deeper he waded into this war the further and further away that life became. He had liked that life, he had been happy that way. Now what was he? “Fuck.”

Max stayed frozen with his head in his hands for several minutes. The entire time, Xaviera kneeled across from him and watched. He didn’t move to acknowledge her or speak to her. He wanted to wait her out. He wanted her to lose patience with him and leave. Why was she still here? What did she want?

With a heavy sigh he finally moved just slightly, enough to tilt his head up to meet her patient stare. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

[Alecsander]

“What are you doing here, anyway?”

Xav shrugged, dropping from her squat into a cross-legged position. "Practice. I'm really more of a researcher... War is here though." why sugar-coat it? They may try and reassure the public, but that was the fact of it. And Kameren would know that. She hummed a little, tilting her head as she contemplated the man in front of her. She remembered him as a boy. Merlin, he'd certainly hit that growth spurt running.

"What did you learn in Siberia?" she asked, giving in to curiousity. There simply wasn't enough information on empathy. For Xav, unknown knowledge was an itch she couldn't scratch. She had to keep digging until she had all the facts, something that led to sime quite interesting results in the past. There had been incidents.

[Max Kameren]

"Practice. I'm really more of a researcher... War is here though."

“Me too.” Max put his head in his hands, the gap in his fingers preventing him from obscuring his view with the gesture. He squeezed his eyes shut to supplement. “I was a healer, that was what I wanted. I didn’t want any of this. I saw what it did to dad.” His deep sigh turned into a frustrated groan. With everything he’d gone through with Rowena he’d had something to fight for, something pulling him in. Now she was gone. She was avoiding him. He’d put himself – more importantly, his family – in danger, and for what? He felt aimless.

"What did you learn in Siberia?"

Her question gave him pause. It was so out of his current mindset that it momentarily quelled the storm within him, and he glanced up at her with a questioning stare. Her aura told him she was honestly curious, but why? How would that benefit the aurors? Prior experience left him suspicious of any seemingly-earnest researching looking into his abilities, regardless of their connection to his family.

I learned I misunderstood the depth of my abilities. He spoke simply but without sound, transmitting the words and feelings directly into Xav’s mind with an unblinking stare. The wordless communication was an interesting enough party trick he’d found that it satisfied curious minds enough for him to keep from having to say more. In the wake of the war he hadn’t yet had time to process what he’d learned in Siberia. At home Varvara’s diaries still laid unread on his desk.