Post by Rowena Jones on Sept 26, 2017 21:53:38 GMT -5
The loneliness surrounded her like a black cloud, she felt empty, all her emotions in such a dark maelstrom that she didn’t know what to feel, instead just feeling numbed, dead to the world, a walking corpse. She crouched by the river, watching the water babble, carefree in a way that she envied and didn’t know that she’d feel again, and released the ashes she’d held tightly in her hand into the water.
It didn’t seem to matter that she’d known this day would come at some point.
It didn’t seem to matter that she’d prepared herself for her mother’s eventual death ever since she’d found out about her diagnosis.
It didn’t seem to matter because despite all her research and work, despite the effectiveness of her mother’s Muggle treatment, Alzheimers hadn’t been the thing to kill Elizabeth Covington.
Her mother, that wonderful, calm spoken, comforting woman that had guided her life, was gone. It was as if Rowena had lost a part of herself when she died. And it was all her fault. She hadn’t been strong enough. She hadn’t kept the secret well enough. Her mother had died so that Rowena could live.
“I’m so sorry mum,” she gasped out as tears streamed down her face. Too much. It was too much. Death and destruction were becoming her every day routine. How had this happened? The Morrison incident had been bad, scary even, but for it to have escalated in the way it had, for her to now be here in this moment, watching the water carry her mother’s ashes away from them forever, Rowena could barely get her head around it.
Two funerals in as many weeks and it had almost been three. Her breath shuddered as she remembered the image of Max emerging from the lift. To think she’d almost lost him too. Rowena thought she might go insane if she thought about it too much. How much emotional trauma could the human body endure? She felt sure that she was exploring those limits these days.
Her father came to stand next to her, clasping the urn holding the other half of her mother’s ashes to his chest, and her heart broke all over again. Just a week ago, they’d sat together, joined in their grief. And then she’d seen him looking at her when he’d thought her busy and she’d made the hardest decision of her life.
She could not live through this again, could not handle the guilt of knowing that her father held himself responsible for the events that she had brought about. There was nothing she could do for herself, no way to remove herself from the nightmares that stalked her, but she could help her father. She could remove that memory of his wife putting herself in danger even as he’d held back. She could remove the memories of a different, dangerous world that he could never fully understand. She could make it all so much simpler. Just a man mourning the wife he’d loved so very much. It would still be hard for him, but rooted in a normalcy that made sense. There was the potential to heal. Rowena had the power to give him that. And if it meant losing him too, then she’d do it. After everything that had happened, she didn’t really deserve anything better.
So she’d done it and the result was that today would not only be a goodbye to her mother, but to her father as well.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said and Rowena was unable to stop the fresh tears from flowing over her cheeks. Merlin, she hadn’t known it was possible to cry this much. She turned her face away from him, folding her arms around herself and wishing, not for the first time that day that Max could have been there to hold her. But that thought brought a whole new wave of emotions and she hurriedly pushed them down. There was only so much she could bear at once.
“I know Dad. It’s for the best.” She’d said the same to Max only a few days ago. And she still believed it. But it didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. This thing, the evil twisted presence was truly taking everything she cared about from her. And suddenly she felt impossibly overwhelmed.
“I just miss her so much Dad,” she cried, unable to be strong any longer and turning into his embrace. She just needed to feel his arms around her one last time. To feel his strong comforting hold that let her know everything would be alright like he’d done so often when she was a child. But though his arms encircled her automatically as she clung to him, body wracked with sobs, there was a distance that had never been there before. A detachment she had created when she’d changed their relationship from a loving, close father daughter bond to the distant one that would keep him safe, would allow him to leave his only daughter behind.
There were a few gentle pats on her back before she couldn’t bear the difference any longer and she drew back sniffling. “Sorry,” she hiccupped as they looked awkwardly at each other.
“I miss her too Rowena,” her father said shakily, and Rowena didn’t know how, but her heart broke again. Surely it must be in tiny invisible pieces at this point. Her poor father. Elizabeth had been his lifeline, his one true love and despite her illness, that love had been present every day. She’d once wondered how her father would live without his wife and she wondered again as she saw his fragility in that moment. She could only hope that being with his sister and her family would give him enough reason to carry on.
“Right, I need to finish things at the House,” he said after a short pause to collect himself. “I suppose you’ll be returning to that Hospital of yours,”
Rowena nodded slowly. Not the hospital he thought, but a hospital all the same.
“Right. Then I guess this is goodbye. You’ll be welcome to come visit us of course if you have the time,” he continued and Rowena shrugged non-committedly. Maybe one day. When it was safe. And if it wasn’t too late. And if she hadn’t died. So much uncertainty ahead of her.
Edward glanced at his daughter in thought before giving her a sad sort of smile and turning away.
“Goodbye Daddy,” Rowena whispered as she watched him walk away, carrying away the last vestiges of her Muggle life and she added her final good bye to the relative safety of that world. And then she took a deep shuddering breath, firmly and resolutely pushed all her fragile emotions down, deep deep down where they would not get in the way of what needed to be done, and locked them decisively away. Maybe, just maybe when this was all said and done, when they had defeated whatever monster it was that haunted her every move, maybe then she could address the reality of what this moment had done to her. But for now, she had to fight, she had letters to write and information to discover. There was no room for the fragile broken woman that cried bitterly at the hand life had dealt her.
It didn’t seem to matter that she’d known this day would come at some point.
It didn’t seem to matter that she’d prepared herself for her mother’s eventual death ever since she’d found out about her diagnosis.
It didn’t seem to matter because despite all her research and work, despite the effectiveness of her mother’s Muggle treatment, Alzheimers hadn’t been the thing to kill Elizabeth Covington.
Her mother, that wonderful, calm spoken, comforting woman that had guided her life, was gone. It was as if Rowena had lost a part of herself when she died. And it was all her fault. She hadn’t been strong enough. She hadn’t kept the secret well enough. Her mother had died so that Rowena could live.
“I’m so sorry mum,” she gasped out as tears streamed down her face. Too much. It was too much. Death and destruction were becoming her every day routine. How had this happened? The Morrison incident had been bad, scary even, but for it to have escalated in the way it had, for her to now be here in this moment, watching the water carry her mother’s ashes away from them forever, Rowena could barely get her head around it.
Two funerals in as many weeks and it had almost been three. Her breath shuddered as she remembered the image of Max emerging from the lift. To think she’d almost lost him too. Rowena thought she might go insane if she thought about it too much. How much emotional trauma could the human body endure? She felt sure that she was exploring those limits these days.
Her father came to stand next to her, clasping the urn holding the other half of her mother’s ashes to his chest, and her heart broke all over again. Just a week ago, they’d sat together, joined in their grief. And then she’d seen him looking at her when he’d thought her busy and she’d made the hardest decision of her life.
She could not live through this again, could not handle the guilt of knowing that her father held himself responsible for the events that she had brought about. There was nothing she could do for herself, no way to remove herself from the nightmares that stalked her, but she could help her father. She could remove that memory of his wife putting herself in danger even as he’d held back. She could remove the memories of a different, dangerous world that he could never fully understand. She could make it all so much simpler. Just a man mourning the wife he’d loved so very much. It would still be hard for him, but rooted in a normalcy that made sense. There was the potential to heal. Rowena had the power to give him that. And if it meant losing him too, then she’d do it. After everything that had happened, she didn’t really deserve anything better.
So she’d done it and the result was that today would not only be a goodbye to her mother, but to her father as well.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said and Rowena was unable to stop the fresh tears from flowing over her cheeks. Merlin, she hadn’t known it was possible to cry this much. She turned her face away from him, folding her arms around herself and wishing, not for the first time that day that Max could have been there to hold her. But that thought brought a whole new wave of emotions and she hurriedly pushed them down. There was only so much she could bear at once.
“I know Dad. It’s for the best.” She’d said the same to Max only a few days ago. And she still believed it. But it didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. This thing, the evil twisted presence was truly taking everything she cared about from her. And suddenly she felt impossibly overwhelmed.
“I just miss her so much Dad,” she cried, unable to be strong any longer and turning into his embrace. She just needed to feel his arms around her one last time. To feel his strong comforting hold that let her know everything would be alright like he’d done so often when she was a child. But though his arms encircled her automatically as she clung to him, body wracked with sobs, there was a distance that had never been there before. A detachment she had created when she’d changed their relationship from a loving, close father daughter bond to the distant one that would keep him safe, would allow him to leave his only daughter behind.
There were a few gentle pats on her back before she couldn’t bear the difference any longer and she drew back sniffling. “Sorry,” she hiccupped as they looked awkwardly at each other.
“I miss her too Rowena,” her father said shakily, and Rowena didn’t know how, but her heart broke again. Surely it must be in tiny invisible pieces at this point. Her poor father. Elizabeth had been his lifeline, his one true love and despite her illness, that love had been present every day. She’d once wondered how her father would live without his wife and she wondered again as she saw his fragility in that moment. She could only hope that being with his sister and her family would give him enough reason to carry on.
“Right, I need to finish things at the House,” he said after a short pause to collect himself. “I suppose you’ll be returning to that Hospital of yours,”
Rowena nodded slowly. Not the hospital he thought, but a hospital all the same.
“Right. Then I guess this is goodbye. You’ll be welcome to come visit us of course if you have the time,” he continued and Rowena shrugged non-committedly. Maybe one day. When it was safe. And if it wasn’t too late. And if she hadn’t died. So much uncertainty ahead of her.
Edward glanced at his daughter in thought before giving her a sad sort of smile and turning away.
“Goodbye Daddy,” Rowena whispered as she watched him walk away, carrying away the last vestiges of her Muggle life and she added her final good bye to the relative safety of that world. And then she took a deep shuddering breath, firmly and resolutely pushed all her fragile emotions down, deep deep down where they would not get in the way of what needed to be done, and locked them decisively away. Maybe, just maybe when this was all said and done, when they had defeated whatever monster it was that haunted her every move, maybe then she could address the reality of what this moment had done to her. But for now, she had to fight, she had letters to write and information to discover. There was no room for the fragile broken woman that cried bitterly at the hand life had dealt her.