The Balance [Max]

[Rowena Jones]

She’d suggested Hyde Park as a meeting spot to offer them both a more neutral ground but the cold October breeze was not as pleasant at the multi-coloured leaves that were falling from the trees around her. Rowena glanced around before quickly casting a quiet warming charm on the blanket she was sitting on. She was in a small clearing near the rose gardens, but sheltered from most people’s view by a few trees. The Park was a little more crowded than she’d have liked with most British people happy to get outside on any chance it wasn't pouring down with rain, but it would do. Max and her had to talk.

After promising to fight together, it seemed both of them had decided to instead keep secrets from each other. Rowena had very little idea what this Watch business was about, but it sounded official and it sounded important. And Max hadn’t mentioned a word of it until he’d been summoned to Hogwarts after the Earthquake. Rowena would have gone herself but she’d had to return home to deal with the fallout of Max’s decision to destroy the runes on her body.

Her mother was dead. And there was nothing she could do about it. After years of research trying to save her from a Muggle disease, it had been Rowena’s world that had ultimately killed Elizabeth Covington. Her mother might be dead, but Rowena wanted to save her father from the pain that had kept her awake crying for the past few nights. If she could do anything to save her father, even a little, she would do it. So she had. And she was still debating whether it was something she should share with Max.

Which brought her to the other problem. Her relationship with Max had come out of nowhere. It had been surprising and quickly turned into something wonderful and amazing and then just as quickly had been interrupted by the threat of War. And from that threat, they had shared things that most couples never did. But it had also created a distance between them. It was like two separate relationships and Rowena didn’t know which one was the real one; the close intimate one which made her heart race, or the distant overly concerned one where they hid the truth from each other in an attempt to protect the other. Or maybe it needed to be something in the middle… anyway, that’s why they needed to talk, so she’d come back from Nottingham for the day after texting him to confirm he was available. After Max's initial surprise that she did indeed use her phone, they'd agreed to lunch together today.

She’d missed him. She wanted him there, needed the support, but was afraid to rely on him too much while things were so undecided. Rowena glanced at the sky, frowning at the few grey clouds and praying they’d stay away for a few more hours.

[Max Kameren]

Well, he’d done it again. He’d tried to be careful, to set boundaries and move slowly. The trauma they’d been through over the last few weeks had been their own form of roadblock too, and the time apart when she took her distance from him should have given him space to not get too close to her aura. Hell, they argued enough that he figured it probably wouldn’t be an issue. Then she had to nearly die on him and he’d involuntarily admitted it to himself. He’d nearly said it too, and now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. After only six weeks Max Kameren was terminally, inconsolably, painfully in love with Rowena Covington and there was nothing he could do about it. Surely he couldn’t admit it, not this early on at least.

And now they needed to talk. They actually did, too, not just in the unfortunate way that cliché tended to play out: in the confusion of the last month they’d both been keeping big secrets from each other. Max’s secret wasn’t his inconvenient feelings for his girlfriend: when they’d pledged to fight together, Max had been aiding the War without her. He’d also been doing some dueling training of his own outside their sessions, though at this point it could more accurately be described as serving as a punching bag for the Department of Law Enforcement. His hand wandered up to his jaw at the thought, where there was a fresh bruise thankfully hidden by his beard.

His secrets paled in comparison to whatever Rowena had to tell him though, that he was sure of. The picture in his mind of her wasting away in her office the other night still filled him with dread when he thought of it; he’d come so close to losing her without realizing. Without her telling him she needed help. If he hadn’t been there to cancel out the runes on her wrist she likely would have died, and Merlin only knew to what gain for their enemy. The Earthquake wasn’t a coincidence.

Through the pain they’d been through, through the hiding, and through his hurt over her hiding her curse from him he still ached to see her. When he crossed the threshold into Hyde Park he found himself reaching out mentally, taking up a few extra seconds of closeness to her aura before he was even physically present. The thought made him huff in frustration: he had plenty of things to tell her, but all he could think about was what he shouldn’t.

The thought lingered as he approached and he tried to push it away, coming around the blanket she sat on with his hands in his coat pockets. A warm smile rose in his cheeks when he met her eyes and he kneeled to kiss her hello before taking a place next to her on the blanket.

"Hey. Hold on," His eyes narrowed with a wry smile and he stretched out his hand and put it over her face, running his fingers over her cheeks as awkwardly as he could. "Checking for a glamour, sorry." He chuckled, trying to get over the tenseness of their last meeting with a joke. He took his hand off her and sat back, now actually looking her over in concern. "How are you feeling? How's Nottingham?"

[Rowena Jones]

Some sixth sense made her heart thud and Rowena turned away from watching two sparrows fight over some food to see Max walking towards her. A smile spread over her face as she took in his tall, handsome frame and she leaned towards him to answer his kiss. Despite everything that had happened, despite the secrets between them, that spark was still very much present and she savoured the thrill of being next to Max again.

And then her boyfriend had to ruin it by smushing his hand all over her face. "Checking for a glamour, sorry." Rowena rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's antics. Ok, so maybe she deserved it but did he really have to make such a point of it? "Because you couldn't do that without almost poking my eye out," she said wryly shaking her head at him.

"How are you feeling? How's Nottingham?"

And apparently they were going to go straight into it. She still hadn't decided what she was going to tell him. It wasn't that she wanted to lie, but he'd made it pretty clear when they first started dating that they had to take it slow. Admitting that she had done something illegal was a pretty big thing to do to someone she'd been seeing for less than two months. But, if it came up in conversation, she resolved she wouldn't outright lie to him. There had been enough secrets. 

She shrugged in response to her question, a sad smile on her lips as she looked at him. "Not great? It doesn't really feel like home right now. The nightmares are back. I keep expecting it to walk in again..." Rowena sighed and sat up, wrapping her arms around herself as she thought about it. It felt like she'd been having nightmares for months these days. There wasn't a night in the past few weeks that hadn't had some measure of horror in it.

"The whole thing just makes me feel violated you know? It invaded my childhood home, messed with my memories and those of my parents and took away any feeling of choice. I thought it was just me or my mum. Which wasn't a nice choice, but it was an easy one. And now it turns out it might have been my mum or the Wizarding population or whatever it had planned and then I lost mum anyway." She shuddered. There was a robotic tone to her voice when she talked about her mother's death, as if she hadn't quite let that fact sink in yet, or acknowledged her emotions properly.

"I just...I feel so guilty Max. Like all of this, everything that's happened, it's my fault."

[Max Kameren]

"Not great? It doesn't really feel like home right now. The nightmares are back. I keep expecting it to walk in again […] And now it turns out it might have been my mum or the Wizarding population or whatever it had planned and then I lost mum anyway." She shuddered. Max put an arm around her reassuringly, nudging her head with his. He could feel the brimming emotions just underneath the surface of her monotone exterior, like a pot about to boil. He sighed, just listening. He wanted to let her get it out; she needed someone to talk to. He wanted to be that someone she talked to.

"I just...I feel so guilty Max. Like all of this, everything that's happened, it's my fault."

Max shook his head, sitting up and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Don’t go there, Ro, you can’t or it’ll drive you mad. This isn’t your fault. None of it is, it’s all whatever that – “ He sighed in frustration at the fact they still didn’t know what they were fighting “ – thing is. You didn’t hurt anyone.”

He said this resolutely with conviction, but also like he’d said it before. He’d had to tell himself similar things as a kid; the destruction of their home, the death of their friends in the Watch and his father’s familiar, and Curse’s own near-death were all things his anxiety stacked against him to blame. As much as that hadn’t been him, this wasn’t Rowena. She was a victim in this, too.

Again Max marveled at how they’d managed to find each other: the two people who fully understood the focused pressure of being targeted by a dark witch or wizard. The threats to your loved ones were more haunting than the nightmares. The only thing worse than the paranoia was the guilt. He let himself fall onto his back on the blanket, sharp green gaze examining the sky above. “We’ll make progress now; we know more. It’s not just us anymore. The Watch is offering its resources.” He sought out her hand on the blanket, effortlessly weaving his long calloused fingers in with hers. “We’re not alone.”

[Rowena Jones]

“Don’t go there, Ro, you can’t or it’ll drive you mad. This isn’t your fault. None of it is, it’s all whatever that thing is. You didn’t hurt anyone.”

Bit late. She'd been blaming herself since the very start. She'd gotten to close to her patient that very first attack, then there had been Bryn and now she had helped to cause an Earthquake. It didn't matter that she hadn't known that was what was going to happen, her energy had still somehow been involved. She hadn't been present, she may not have personally hurt anyone, but she'd contributed.

“We’ll make progress now; we know more. It’s not just us anymore. The Watch is offering its resources.” 

Rowena looked sharply at her boyfriend lying next to her on the blanket. She didn't feel like she knew more. All she knew was that whatever they were fighting was powerful and destructive... though a dim memory of a mention of her bloodline made her pause. With all that had happened in the past two weeks, her search for her birth family had been put completely on pause, but maybe it was time to start it up again.

"We’re not alone."

We’re not alone. Rowena huffed even as she took solace from Max's hand holding hers. It was strange. Just a few months ago, Rowena hadn't even given her solitary life a second thought. She was accustomed to being alone, dealing with problems by herself, and in the off chance that she did need help, she'd always known her father was there. Then Max had inserted himself in that life and the shock of their connection had opened a crack in her heart, opened her eyes to the possibilities of sharing her life with others, not just romantically but amicably too.

And yet, within the space of a couple of weeks, she'd suddenly found herself feeling more alone than ever. Even now, with Max by her side, she felt a little removed from the situation. As if everything had moved so quickly and she was suddenly lost at sea, with no familiar sights on the horizon. Mungos brought horrific memories, the place she'd considered her second home since she was 18 tarnished by bloody bodies and empty eyes. The research she'd spent years trying to perfect useless now that it's intended target had died. Her childhood home invaded by a presence she still could not name, the halls filled with sorrow and soon to be completely empty. She'd been a Healer all her life, but now, now she wanted to fight. It felt like everything that had once defined Rowena Covington was gone. And within that whirlpool of confusion, she was desperately treading water, relying on sheer stubbornness and determination, trying desperately to keep her head above the surface and keep it all together. So, unlike Max, she felt very much alone. 

Who could she ask for help when she'd never had anyone to count on before? Her mother was gone, and her father might as well be now. Rowena's amber gaze fell on Max, but it had only been six weeks. She had taken his words to heart, had guarded hers as much as possible. She liked him. She liked him a lot. She'd never get enough of that thrill that filled her whenever he was around, but figuring out the next steps in her life, deciding who she wanted to be now that she'd been stripped back to nothing, that was on her. Which was why she'd firmly locked away all of those emotions and thoughts and fears tightly away for another time. She wasn't ready yet. She didn't feel strong enough to deal with it. Stubbornness and determination and the comfort of Max's presence would have to do for now. 

But the Watch... that was a subject that Rowena very much wanted to address. Max had done it again, just casually mentioning it as though she'd have a clue what he was actually on about. Last time, there had been more pressing issues to deal with. This time, Rowena wanted answers. So as much as she wanted to flop down onto the ground with him and just enjoy his company, she instead glared at him, her amber gaze fixed on his face.

"You're going to have to explain better than that Max. Who are the Watch? What do they do?" She reached over to trace her fingers along his jaw and paused, keen Healer eyes narrowing dangerously, "and why does a Healer have a large bruise on his face as if he'd been fighting...?"

[Max Kameren]

"Wha - I did only heal for them!" Max sat up, smiling wryly down at Ro; he should have known better than to think she would overlook the bruise on his jaw. She was a shrewd with her examination of him as he'd been the last few weeks, too. There were too many secrets between them, he was tired of the Cold War running through their relationship. It was time to come clean. "It's from training with Alex and the aurors. There wasn't a fight in Hogsmeade, thankfully. Just injuries from the earthquake."

He sighed, laying back down and seeking out the hand she'd taken away to accuse him with. He kissed it as he thought, trying to find the words to describe the Watch in a way that wouldn't make her mad at him for not telling her sooner. "The Black Watch were the militia from the Demon Wars. Dad helped found it, Alex called them back into action after the Morrison murders. People from everywhere: researchers, aurors, shopkeepers, even older students all coming together to protect people. I want to help, so I joined. I've just been healing so far." But he would fight, when the time came. That was why he was training, and though it went unsaid he'd used 'militia' for a reason: this was an army. He would serve, by any means necessary. They'd saved his life in the Demon Wars, he owed them that.

"Sorry, I would have told you about it. I was worried about you enough." And rightly so, he thought. The image of her in her office the night of the earthquake in his head still put him on edge. Now that she was doing better, Max would like to reach out to the Watch with her. Not to fight: Merlin, the idea of that also made his heart skip a beat. But her knowledge of the incidents would be invaluable to their efforts to figure out exactly what they were fighting.

Ah, that reminded him: some good news. "I have a friend I want to introduce you to, by the way. The Watch is doing its own dueling practices and I thought it might be more constructive for you." He shrugged: Max knew how to teach 11-year-olds and how to duel people at his own skill level, but with Rowena he found himself holding back in a way that he wasn't sure was helpful. Nuriko would sort out where he left gaps in her training, he was sure.

[Rowena Jones]

"Wha - I did only heal for them! It's from training with Alex and the aurors. There wasn't a fight in Hogsmeade, thankfully. Just injuries from the earthquake."

Oh, so he’d also been training with the Aurors too! Was he going to quit Healing and join the Ministry? Rowena didn’t doubt that he could if he wanted to. And she’d been finding it hard at Mungos lately. Had she been so self-absorbed that she hadn’t noticed Max drawing away too? Her head spun as she tried to find something, anything to center herself around. Her world really was changing too quickly. Rowena was a creature of habit, she liked the world to fit in neatly organized boxes. Liked knowing where things were, what needed to be done, where she fit in it all. Now it felt like someone had taken those boxes and scattered them to the wind.

And then Max took her hand, his touch grounding her and she sighed, her gaze fixed on her boyfriend trying to center herself. She’d been doing so well keeping her composure at home, but he made her want to be her true self, her better self… she just didn’t know how to express the confusion in her mind. So instead she listened to his explanation with growing interest.

"The Black Watch were the militia from the Demon Wars […] I want to help, so I joined. I've just been healing so far."

Her interest changed to concern in a heartbeat. So far. She supposed the Auror training should have been a hint. He was preparing to fight, in battles, against an unknown foe. The bodies of the fallen flashed through her mind. The Morrisons. Bryn. Mum. And then Max’s dead face from her nightmares. Rowena bit her lip hard to stop the downward spiral of panic. She couldn’t lose him too.

"Sorry, I would have told you about it. I was worried about you enough."

A week ago she would have snapped at him for worrying about her, but she’d lost the right to do that. He’d been right all along. While she’d been trying to kid herself into thinking it was just some bug that would go, or at worst that she was developing her mother’s disease, it had been so much worse. She’d almost died without anyone knowing until it was too late. Only Max’s quick thinking had saved her, but in doing so she’d lost the rest of her family… and she still didn’t know how to feel about it. Apart from guilt. The guilt was always present. Could she have saved her mum if she hadn’t been so stubborn?

"I have a friend I want to introduce you to, by the way. The Watch is doing its own dueling practices and I thought it might be more constructive for you,”

Rowena opened her mouth to argue. She’d enjoyed her lessons with Max… but he was going to fight. And there was a certain dread in her that if he did he would die. Parts of her nightmare had come true… it made sense that the rest of it would too. She had to protect him… and if this friend of his could help her do that, then she was all for it, so instead she nodded.

It took a further minute of her just sitting there, watching him but also caught up in the mess of her mind, for her to realize she hadn’t replied to anything he had just said. “How do I join?” she finally said. They’d said they’d fight together. So far they’d done anything but. The Watch was a chance for them to do just that, but first she needed to bridge the divide that all the secrets between them had created.

“Max…I’m sorry. For not telling you I was sick. I had a lot of reasons, and they all made sense at the time, but I never wanted you to worry about me. We had enough going on and I didn’t want to add to all of that. Who wants a sick girlfriend when they've just started dating?”

[Max Kameren]

"The Black Watch were the militia from the Demon Wars […] I want to help, so I joined. I've just been healing so far." He felt his stomach pitch downward with her panic for him and he paused, his brow furrowing as he looked up at her. He squeezed her hand in reassurance; he understood the danger of what he was talking about, more than any of the other Watch members joining the resurgence. He’d seen everything Rowena had seen, and he was preparing in any way he knew how. "Sorry, I would have told you about it. I was worried about you enough."

His fear had been warranted: a week ago, Rowena nearly died in his arms. Without notice, without any signs or her telling him anything, he'd nearly lost her. In that evening he'd learned two things: first whatever this entity was, it wasn't anything like Mosrael had been. It was more sinister, more brutal, and they needed to stop playing by the rules of the last war if they wanted to win this one. Second: he couldn't lose Rowena. He wasn't strong enough for that, he would never be. It was the worst way to realize you loved someone, as now his worry doubled and lingered into the following days. He was sick with it.

At the same time, one of the best ways of protecting her would be teaching her to protect herself. Whatever this was, it was after her; she would need everything he could provide if she didn't want to lose anything else. She needed the Watch. "I have a friend I want to introduce you to, by the way. The Watch is doing its own dueling practices and I thought it might be more constructive for you.”

“How do I join?” 

"Show up." He shrugged; there wasn't any kind of process for joining the watch, it was pretty simple. If he trusted Rowena, the Watch would. And he trusted her with his life, even after their mutual secret-keeping the last few weeks.

“Max…I’m sorry. For not telling you I was sick. I had a lot of reasons, and they all made sense at the time, but I never wanted you to worry about me. We had enough going on and I didn’t want to add to all of that. Who wants a sick girlfriend when they've just started dating?”

“If it’s you? I do.” A small smile turned at Max’s lips as he looked up at her, kissing her fingers. It occurred to him that he hadn’t really told Rowena some important things about his life. She didn’t understand the amount of trust he put in her just by committing to her, how vulnerable it made him. How easy it could be for her to take advantage, if she knew how to push him. Max always had to keep these secrets in relationships to protect himself, but with everything else piled on theirs his usual omissions were wearing on him. How had it only been a month? How was he this bad, at only a month?

"I'm sorry too. You haven't been the only one keeping secrets." He pushed himself up, nudging Rowena with his shoulder and meeting her eyes. "Clean slate? No more keeping important things from each other?" As the words left his mouth a few important things he'd neglected to tell her flitted through his mind, but he pushed them away. He could tell her those things in due time.

[Rowena Jones]

“If it’s you? I do.”

At Max’s admission, Rowena felt her heart skip a beat and she couldn’t help her own smile spreading across her face. After weeks of self-imposed distance, despite all the tragedy that had befallen them, in this one instant, for just a few seconds, she could feel a moment of happiness. Max was her pillar of strength, her beacon in the darkness that was enveloping her world. She’d forgotten that in her determination to solve her problems by herself. They were stronger together.

"I'm sorry too. You haven't been the only one keeping secrets." Max pushed himself up, nudging her with his shoulder and meeting her eyes. "Clean slate? No more keeping important things from each other?" 

Rowena nodded bashfully, leaning forwards and kissing him softly, pulling backwards only enough to rest her forehead against his, taking a moment to enjoy him before she spilled her last important secret. She'd been going to wait and see if it came up naturally in conversation but she didn't want to have that distance between them anymore. No more secrets. 

"So, urm... there's one more thing I need to tell you then. Not about us. I've done something..." Rowena paused, sitting back, her fingers fidgeting in her lap. How could she say this? Oh by the way I modified my fathers memory and he'll be moving to America after the funeral? It sounded so drastic. It was. But she'd been desperate to protect him and this had been the only way she could think of. Their home wasn't safe anymore. And the horror of what had happened to her mum was too much for either of them to bear. It was better this way. No more magical world to endanger them. 

"I did it to protect my dad. He didn't need to have my mum's memory ruined by that thing. It was too much Max. This way she died naturally. Peacefully. And he'll be safer in America. If it means giving him up, if it means he won't contact me, then it's worth it. They didn't belong to our world. It's not safe. Right?"

It was only after she finished her rant, and was looking at Max with wide anxious amber eyes, that she realised she hadn't really explained what she had done.

[Max Kameren]

"So, urm... there's one more thing I need to tell you then. Not about us. I've done something..."

Uh-oh. Max arched a brow down at his girlfriend as he felt her aura spike with anxiety. Whatever she was about to tell him it wasn’t good; suspicion grew as she stalled and he sat up straighter, waiting on her words. What could she have done? The other night in the office she said she wanted to kill someone…

"I did it to protect my dad. He didn't need to have my mum's memory ruined by that thing. It was too much Max. This way she died naturally. Peacefully. And he'll be safer in America. If it means giving him up, if it means he won't contact me, then it's worth it. They didn't belong to our world. It's not safe. Right?"

The more she spoke the more dread welled up in Max. By the time she turned to him he was as anxious as she was, ready to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. He knew how much she knew about mind magic, how talented she was with memory curses. He knew, as much as he loved her, Rowena was not above performing an unethical procedure if she thought it would ease someone’s pain. He knew what she’d done by her justifications, but he asked anyway. He hoped he was wrong. “What did you do? Did you do something to your dad?” He sighed, turning from her on the blanket and putting his head in his hands. “Rowena, please tell me you didn’t alter your dad’s memory.”

[Rowena Jones]

“What did you do? Did you do something to your dad?” Max sighed, turning from her on the blanket and putting his head in his hands. “Rowena, please tell me you didn’t alter your dad’s memory.”

Rowena winced at the judgement she felt radiating from her boyfriend, but she stuck by her decision. This was the only way she could make sure he was safe. The only way for him to have a good life. If he knew what was happening, he’d spend his time between mourning for his wife and worrying for his daughter. He would try to protect her and he wouldn’t be able to do anything. It would destroy him. It had been already before she had intervened. He deserved better.

“I could tell you that but then I’d be lying again.” She said, her voice steely despite the hints of anxiety. She’d known Max wouldn’t like it, had almost not told him because of it, but the truth was important between them now. Plus he would have found out eventually when she stopped mentioning Nottingham or visiting her dad. Better she just be upfront about it.

“It was destroying him Max. The knowledge that he hadn’t saved her, that she’d been the one taken. She defended me, tried to, when that thing came to our home. The guilt was driving him mad. Not being able to do anything, knowing we were in danger and being so useless. He was, is a proud man Max. That thing has already taken everything from us.” She paused in her explanation, looking at him beseechingly, wanting him to understand why she had sacrificed her last remaining family.

“He doesn’t belong to our World Max. It wasn’t fair for him to be dragged into this. Now he can be safe, life is simpler. There’s no magic, no big evil coming after his family. He’ll go to America after the funeral, stay with his sister. And he won’t worry about his successful, estranged daughter who is just a doctor in a hospital in London and who is usually too busy to send more than just a Christmas card. He can mourn my mother properly, knowing she died peacefully after many years fighting her disease so that she could spend as much time with him as possible.”

She shuddered to a stop, angrily brushing away the water that was beginning to pool in her eyes. She wouldn’t cry over this anymore. She’d done plenty enough of that when her father had stopped looking at her with his usual comforting glance. Now they were practically strangers, bound only by their mutual sadness over the loss of Elizabeth.

“This is for the best.” She stated firmly. “Are you going to report me?”

[Max Kameren]

“What did you do? Did you do something to your dad?” Max sighed, turning from her on the blanket and putting his head in his hands. “Rowena, please tell me you didn’t alter your dad’s memory.”

“I could tell you that but then I’d be lying again.”

“Fuck,” Max ran a hand through his hair with frustration, pushing himself up and pacing the length of the blanket in front of them to try to relieve the frustrated energy that lit up in him. “What the fuck, Rowena? Why?!”

“It was destroying him Max. The knowledge that he hadn’t saved her, that she’d been the one taken. She defended me, tried to, when that thing came to our home. The guilt was driving him mad. Not being able to do anything, knowing we were in danger and being so useless. He was, is a proud man Max. That thing has already taken everything from us.”

He sighed, looking at his girlfriend with a resigned disappointment. He wasn’t alone when he lost his wife, he had his daughter. Now he was fucking alone, and in his ignorance Rowena was too. Why did everyone do this?! It wasn’t braver or more kind to shield people from their own hardship. It wasn’t for their own good; it was the selfishness of the ones who knew, who didn’t want to go through pain with their loved one. It always made things worse.

“He doesn’t belong to our World Max. It wasn’t fair for him to be dragged into this. Now he can be safe, life is simpler. There’s no magic, no big evil coming after his family. He’ll go to America after the funeral, stay with his sister. And he won’t worry about his successful, estranged daughter who is just a doctor in a hospital in London and who is usually too busy to send more than just a Christmas card.”

“He belongs in your world, Rowena, he’s your father.” He snapped back. Max knew they’d been close, he saw it in their connection at the hospital. Rowena was cutting an important part of herself out of her life, and for what? So Charles Covington could go from being a mourning widower and a loving father to a mourning widower and that alone. How was that better? How did not knowing the matter of his wife’s death make up for the fact that, without his connection to his daughter, he had nothing else?

“He can mourn my mother properly, knowing she died peacefully after many years fighting her disease so that she could spend as much time with him as possible.”

“Yeah, and then what? He lost his wife, and now he’s lost you without even knowing?” Max stopped his pacing and turned to her, frustration in his eyes. She’d already done it and there was nothing they could do about it now anyway, but he wanted her to think. This didn’t make anyone stronger, it didn’t make anyone better. It only caused more pain. It was the same with Alex: he’d lied to ‘protect’ his son, but when it inevitably came out now he would go through the same hardship but with no support system he trusted in place to help him.

How was mourning alone easier than going through it with loved ones? Max had done this before, gone through the rounds more than he could count. What if Curse had shut him out the same way? Or he’d wiped Amelia, trying to keep his son’s mother from the constant fear of their son’s safety Curse faced? Would Max have been better off if Curse had manipulated him, wiping the trauma away? No, the scars would still be there. He would only be less whole.

Max sighed, kneeling at Rowena’s feet. Her tears broke his heart and quelled his temper, and he put his head in his hands. There wasn’t anything he could say to make her understand how it felt, being the one on the other side. The manipulated. The powerless one.

“This is for the best.” She stated firmly. “Are you going to report me?”

“I’m not going to report you.” Max looked up at her, his gaze still hard with frustration. He sat back on his feet, sighing up at the sky. With her father gone, Rowena had no one but him. That was a lot of weight to bear, and Max didn’t know if he was good enough for her. “It’s for the best for now, but in the long run…” He sighed and shook his head. “We’ll see. What’s done is done, I guess.”

[Rowena Jones]

"Damnit Max," Rowena said, staring at him reproachfully. "That's not fair. Don't act as if I don't understand what I've done. I know better than most what it feels like to be on the other side and yes, finding out sucks. You know what's worse? Knowing that there's nothing you can do. Have you ever had a parent look at you with complete despair in their eyes, like they know what's coming and know they can do nothing. That's how he looked at me when I got home. Like I was a dead woman walking. He knew..."

Her breathing hitched and this time, it was her turn to stand up and pace backwards and forwards. She ran her hands through her hair as she walked, trying to calm her frazzled emotions. This was the crux of the issue. Having her own memories altered, all through the revelation of that fact, despite the anger she had felt, there was one truth that had hit her harder than anything else. She wasn't going to make it out of this War alive.

Rowena was glad Max had told her they needed to move slowly in their relationship. Merlin forbid they'd moved quickly and fallen in love with each other, the pain of losing the other would be unbearable but Rowena had guarded her heart well. This was where she admitted she was being selfish. The altruistic thing to do would be to break it off now, before the feelings between them did develop further. There was only pain ahead of them, but maybe she'd reached her threshold for keeping people away from her. If she was going to die, and she knew she was, she wanted to be a little selfish, for just a while longer. Plus, as Max kept reminding her, he wasn't helpless. As long as he made it through the Fight, that would be enough.

"Look Max, I like you. I really really do, but you don't get to judge me for what I do with my family. This is the only way to keep him safe. Are you seriously telling me that if this was the only way, the one thing you could do to give your Muggle family a chance at normality, at peace, the only way to save them from both death and pain, that you wouldn't do it?"

She paused, folding her arms and looking out at the naive Muggle families and couples with a sad look. "You're right. This way he's lost both of us, but now there's no guilt. He doesn't have to live with that helplessness every day. Now, when I die, it won't completely destroy him."

[Max Kameren]

"Damnit Max," Rowena said, staring at him reproachfully. "That's not fair. […] That's how he looked at me when I got home. Like I was a dead woman walking. He knew..."

Max bowed his head as she spoke: he did know what she meant, though in a different way. For most of his life he’d lived that way; since the kidnapping Curse and Alex had viewed him similarly, always with a degree of guilt and regret. They’d wanted to save him and were unable to, and they considered his hardships their failures. It was a lot of weight to bear as a child. It made the worst nights after the war harder, knowing he was a vessel for his father and uncle’s failures. But would he trade them away to spare it? Never, and he hoped they wouldn’t trade him away either.

Still, he’d been harsh. Max regretted what he’d said a moment ago. Whether or not Max agreed with her, this was her life. Her decisions. Rowena deserved better.

"Look Max, I like you. I really really do, but you don't get to judge me for what I do with my family. This is the only way to keep him safe. Are you seriously telling me that if this was the only way, the one thing you could do to give your Muggle family a chance at normality, at peace, the only way to save them from both death and pain, that you wouldn't do it?"

Max wrung his hands, meeting her eyes with guilt. He ignored her question, she wouldn’t like his answer, and they both knew it. But she was right: this wasn’t about what he would do. He sighed, shuffling uncomfortably on his knees before standing to face her. “You’re right, I’m sorry. Not my place.” He still disagreed with her, and thought her father would too if given the choice. But he hadn’t, and it was done. It wasn’t worth fighting over.

She paused, folding her arms and looking out at the naive Muggle families and couples with a sad look. "You're right. This way he's lost both of us, but now there's no guilt. He doesn't have to live with that helplessness every day. Now, when I die, it won't completely destroy him."

Max’s head snapped up and he met her eyes quizzically: again she’d mentioned dying. It was natural after what they’d been through – what she’d been through – but it was concerning to him. Was she giving in? He closed the space between them, cupping her face in his hands. “Hey, you’re not going to die. You’re not, alright? We’re going to figure this out.” He leaned down and kissed her gently. He met her eyes and smiled kindly, trying to coax her into a smile. “’Sides, they’ll have to get through me first. Max Kameren: rune-slasher extraordinaire.”

[Rowena Jones]

Max closed the space between them, cupping her face in his hands. “Hey, you’re not going to die. You’re not, alright? We’re going to figure this out.” He leaned down and kissed her gently and she sank into his embrace even as her mind brought up several reasons why his words were empty promises.

“’Sides, they’ll have to get through me first. Max Kameren: rune-slasher extraordinaire.”

A small hint of a smile tugged at the corner of her lips before the implication of what he just said registered and she scowled up at him. "Not funny Max. Can you please not put yourself in more danger? You don't need to do anything heroric for me to like you more. I just need you alive. Please." She leaned into him, hiding her face in his chest and breathing in his scent, letting it comfort her.

"I'm scared it's coming for us. We, well you, ruined what it was doing right? I felt it's anger," it had fueled her own fury, her words had been full of it in the moments after Max had slashed the rune, a remnant of it's presence in Rowena's mind.. "And I'm not naive Max. Look at everything it's done already. I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight, but I'm also realistic. I'm not going to make it out of this alive..." she mumbled into his body before pulling back to meet his gaze.

"You really would be better off without me you know. Maybe if you left me, created some distance, then it wouldn't come after you too. I don't want you to get hurt Max... but I'm not strong enough... or maybe I'm just too selfish to leave you." There. She'd said it. The thought of him doing as she said made her tremble. She really didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want him to stay out of some misguided sense of honour, some stupid ideal that he had to stick by her because he'd asked her out. 

Just a couple of weeks ago she'd firmly been in the camp of stronger together, but these days, it didn't feel like they were even close enough to having the strength to fight this thing. Staying together sometimes felt more like stupidity, a quick way to get lots of people killed by painting large targets on their backs with their association to her.