The First Goodbye [Bryn Funeral]

[Rowena Jones]

It was only the beginning of war and Rowena Covington already hated it.

She hated the constant fear. She hated the way she jumped at everything. She hated not knowing. She hated how it was invading her life. She hated the sleepless nights.

But most of all, she hated that it had taken a friend. Bryn. Bryn who was lying still, never to smile or laugh or tease her about her relationship with Max again. A man who had just begun to explore his potential, potential that had been unfairly snuffed out by a darkness that was invading their lives. A man dedicating his life to helping the weakened taken by someone with no regard for life at all.

And it didn’t matter how many times Max told her, Rowena knew this was on her. It couldn’t be coincidence. For some unknown reason, she’d been singled out by this darkness and the people around her were suffering for it. She supposed she was lucky there weren’t many people in the first place, but she had to fight the instinct to protect Max and Elle and distance herself. She had to convince herself every day that they were strong, stronger than her really, and that they were better fighting together than apart.

Bryn hadn’t had a chance though. And so here they were, in the Welsh countryside where Bryn had come from, his parents sobbing quietly as they prepared to lay their friend to rest.

[Max Kameren]

How had it come to this? So quickly, before anyone knew it was happening the wizarding world was threatened again. The loss of Bryn represented their loss of innocence as a community: if their best and brightest, a young healer with a magnificent heart and lots of promise wasn't safe, no one was.

Personally, Max was relieved the matter of the healer's death didn't make it into the press. For the last three days the scene he'd walked in on still haunted him: the runes carved into his skin, the blood, the hollow eyes. Rowena sitting opposite in a pool of his blood. Bryn deserved better than to die like that, like a terrible prop in this unknown entity's intimidation game. His memory surely deserved better, too.

He was determined to better serve that memory. Max mourned the only way he knew how: working. The call for the Watch to come together was out, and last he heard from Alex they had been getting responses from both old and newly-returned members. In the meantime Max trained; slowly the difficulty level on the targets at the Dragons rose as he progressed. Did he feel ready? Max never thought he would, but he was trying.

It was an unnaturally beautiful day for late September in the Welsh countryside. The sun beat down with minimal clouds, shining on the congregation with a sleepy-warmth in their funeral blacks. The entire staff of St Mungo's who wasn't currently at the hospital was in attendance; Bryn's influence on his colleagues was stronger than he would have thought, Max suspected. He could picture the smile on his face at the idea, which made his heart hurt.

Max shifted through the crowd until he found Milton and Albert, linked arm-in-arm in black dress robes. Albert looked up at him with red-ringed eyes, trying to smile but Max could feel the heaviness of his aura. He sighed, putting a hand on the surgeon's shoulder and sending comfort through him with a light squeeze. He bent down to speak in Albert's ear quietly: "Have you seen her?"

"Towards the front, near the parents."

He nodded, pushing off the old couple with one last comforting look before heading for the front. Once he knew where to look it was easy to find the silhouette of his girlfriend in the crowd; where every other aura around them was an indistinguishable heavy feeling of loss, Rowena's was also tinged with anguish. She blamed herself, even when he told her not to. Still even now.

Quietly he approached her from behind, falling in line next to her with his eyes forward. His hand fell easily into place, lining up with her hanging hand and entwining their fingers. It felt like the first time he'd taken a breath in days. Somehow that small contact was enough to relieve his anxiety. Through everything, preparing for war, he worried about her most. She was the target: his preparation was to protect her.

At the prompt of their physical connection Max reached out with his aura, lending her his strength. Together they'd get through.

[Rowena Jones]

The birds were chirping in the warm September winds and the sun was shining, but Rowena could only feel darkness. A Darkness that seemed to be following her no matter where she went. The atmosphere was stifling, despair and sadness drowning her in its depths. Her fault. If only she had kept her distance. Stayed professional. Kept Bryn away… maybe he would still be alive.

She’d fled to her family home in Nottingham once she’d been given the all clear at Mungos. She’d had to make sure her parents were safe. She’d spent a whole day strengthening wards on the Estate, gone to bed exhausted. She’d hoped that Mustard would come and keep her company as he had when she was younger, but the dog had been nowhere to be seen.

The next morning, haunted by nightmares, she’d almost collapsed at her reflection in the mirror. She was looking skeletal, bones poking out through pale skin, her eyes ringed in black. Maybe she’d overdone it with the wards, but her parents couldn’t see her like this. No one could. She summoned enough energy to cast and maintain a glamour, returning her to her normal appearance.

At breakfast she’d asked about Mustard only to be told he’d died recently. Why hadn’t they told her? It felt like Death was stalking her. Nowhere was safe. No one was safe.

Her bleak thoughts were interrupted by a hand holding hers. She didn’t need to look to know who it was. No one else could center her in the way Max could. She felt his strength reaching out to support her own and she let out a long breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed him, how much she needed him… and yet she stopped herself from leaning into him like she wanted. The glamour would only conceal the truth from his eyes. If he touched her anywhere else, he’d feel the sharpness of bones no longer hidden behind the softness of skin. He’d know the truth. And today was not the day for that reality to be revealed. Today they were here for Bryn.

Yvonne Chauders stepped up to the front of the crowd, followed by her husband. Bryn’s parents were both pale and shaking, but Rowena could see the strength they lent to each other, the love between them that was somehow carrying them through this torture.

“We’d like to thank everyone for coming. Br-Bryn was the light in our lives and it brings us comfort to know that he was able to share that light with all of you… and I, I…” Yvonne faltered as the tears became too much, turning into her husband’s chest for comfort as he took over for them both. “We have both lived through dark times before, we hoped we never would have to again… we don’t want Bryn’s memory to be tarnished with that darkness, so we’d like to share our happy memories with Bryn before we say our last goodbyes.”

Rowena’s breathing hitched as first his parents told the crowd stories of a cheeky child who’d grown into a mischievous teenager, and then others stepped forward to tell their own tales. And then it was her turn. She squeezed Max's hand lightly for reassurance as she stepped out in front of the crowd.

“Bryn was a force to be reckoned with. When he first arrived at Mungos, I couldn’t believe Milton had been so foolish as to hire someone so uncontained. He had no head for protocol, could barely remember the messages he was given to take to other staff and wasn’t the most focused person I’d ever met. I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t think much of him." There was a light laugh in the crowd as others recalled his overly energetic tendencies and the trouble he had gotten in with he Head of Spell Damage at the start. Rowena took a deep shaky breath and looked at Bryn's parents.

"But he proved me wrong. Bryn inspired me. I thought that I was the best and that I had nothing left to learn and instead he showed me how to let people in. He taught me how to see the best in people, he helped me when I didn't think I needed help and I was so proud of him, so proud to have him as my Assistant," her breath hitched as she thought of how briefly he got to enjoy the promotion he'd worked so hard for, "but most importantly, I was so blessed to be able to call him my friend."

She glanced towards his casket, wreathed in wildflowers. "May your light shine forever bright Bryn."

Rowena returned to Max's side, again having to resist leaning into his body for support. "I hope that was ok," she said quietly as Milton moved to the front. "I hope I never have to do that again."

[Max Kameren]

The presence of Rowena brought comfort to Max on a day where he didn’t think there would be any. Even just her aura was enough after so many days apart; it perturbed him, how attached he’d become to her in only a few weeks. Maybe it was their distance after the shock of Bryn’s death, but Max had struggled these last few days. Today he hoped for some kind of closure, some way of getting back into the rhythm of regular life. He tried leaning into Rowena slightly, but she pulled away; maybe their closure wouldn’t come today.

Max’s eyes were downcast as the Chauders family stepped up to eulogize their son. The shock of finding him came back in an echo on Yvonne Chauders’ face; her son looked just like her. Max couldn’t help but wonder how much they had had to see and what they thought. It was a parent’s worst nightmare; Max knew that from his own family.

They invited others to speak, but Max didn’t move. He couldn’t step up in front of a crowd like this, with so many auras pitching forward into darkness. He wouldn’t be able to find the words. But Rowena could; she lightly squeezed his hand as she stepped forward to speak. Max nudged her forward in his mind, a slight smile pulling at his lips in admiration.

“Bryn was a force to be reckoned with. […] he helped me when I didn't think I needed help and I was so proud of him, so proud to have him as my Assistant," her breath hitched as she thought of how briefly he got to enjoy the promotion he'd worked so hard for, "but most importantly, I was so blessed to be able to call him my friend. May your light shine forever bright Bryn."

Rowena returned to Max's side, again having to resist leaning into his body for support. "I hope that was ok," she said quietly as Milton moved to the front. "I hope I never have to do that again."

“You did beautifully,” Max leaned over to kiss her gently on top of her head, breathing slowly to lower the lump rising in his throat. Just… try to get her to take it easy. She needs to catch her breath, you know?

The crowd parted as Milton made his way to the front, bowing his head to thank the Chauders family before turning to the mourners. The old wizards chocolate-brown eyes were misty as he looked over the faces of his colleagues. Bryn’s friends, some of whom Milton had known literally since their births. Who grew to return to him at the hospital, tending to the next generation. Bryn had been one of them.

“I have been a healer for many years. I’ve seen three wars; generations pass through the halls of St. Mungo’s under our caring hands. With that care comes hurt, though, and darkness. In times of trouble, when I’m losing faith in the work we do, I always turn to our trainees. A font of inspiration lives in our youngest members; they’re young, energetic. Full of idealism and hope. So much promise.”

“Bryn Chauders was the shining example of that inspiration. His optimism was contagious, his eagerness was inspiring, and he cared deeply for his colleagues beyond the boundaries of our halls. He was a shining example of that hope we look for in our healers. When an old man like me loses faith, I looked at Bryn and knew the next generation would be better than us. Which is what makes this loss so much heavier.” Milton bowed his head for a moment, avoiding the sight of his husband in the crowd with his head in his hands. “Which is why I’m announcing today the Training Wing will soon be re-named in his honor: The Bryn Chauders Ward for Advanced Medical Training.” Milton angled himself towards the casket, his eyes lingering on it for a long moment before darting to Bryns parents apologetically. “For the service he brought us, the light he put into our lives, it is the least we could do. Your son was a treasure. Thank you for sharing him with us.”

The hospital head stepped down, heading back into the crowd next to Albert. As he passed by Rowena he put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. When he squeezed her shoulder though he paused, meeting her eyes questioningly for only a moment before moving on.

[Rowena Jones]

Milton's speech brought tears to Rowena's eyes and she smiled sadly at him as he walked past them. Then she caught his glance of concern and she winced, hoping he'd just think he'd imagined it. If there was anyone she didn't want worrying about her after Max, it was the Head of the Hospital. She'd just have to make sure her work didn't slacken and he'd surely shrug it off.

With everyone who wanted to having spoken, it was time to finally say goodbye. Rowena's hand gripped Max's tightly as his casket was slowly lowered into the ground, a lone tear spilling down her cheek. There was a moment of silence as everyone took the chance to reflect on their loss and then one by one, they moved forwards, taking a flower to then throw it into the grave in a more personal farewell.

Rowena gripped her own bluebells with one hand, not letting go of Max, needing his strength to move towards Bryn's final resting place. She whispered her goodbye, letting the flowers fall gently from her hands to join the many others covering the casket and with one last shuddering breath, walked away to let others take their turn.

She led Max away from the funeral party. A few of the younger Healers had talked about finding the nearest pub to drown their sorrows and toast Bryn's life, but Rowena couldn't face any more time in the public eye. She was emotionally exhausted and on top of that, it felt like physical exhaustion wasn't far behind even though she'd done very little today. Maybe she needed to up her dosage and for a second she thought about asking for Max's opinion, but then again, today was not the right time to bring up concerns about herself.

There was a small bench under a tree and Rowena headed towards it. It was selfish and probably a little risky, Max was surprisingly perceptive, but she wanted just a few more moments with her boyfriend before real life took over again.

"I've missed you," she said quietly once she was seated. "Sorry I haven't been around since..." she trailed off. She'd wanted to contact him, to be with him... but hiding what was happening to her was impossible if they spent too much time together.

[Max Kameren]

Max kept his head down and shoulders hunched for Milton’s speech, finally taking a ragged breath when it was over. Milton’s aura was as familiar to Max as his own; his entire life he’d known him, and most of his life with empathy he’d seen or at least felt his aura daily. Something about the heaviness of his aura in particular made Max feel compressed. He felt like his joints had flattened. The weight added with the lowering of Bryn’s casket; the only thing keeping him from believing he’d turned to stone was the pressure of Rowena’s hand in his.

How old had Bryn been, twenty-four? Twenty-five? He’d been so young, with so much energy even for a trainee. He’d made so much progress under Rowena, but there was so much more he could have done. Hell, as a wizard he should have had another century of life and light. It was maddening to think this good man’s life was taken, and for what? To send a message they couldn’t decipher?

Every now and then, Max would catch Alex or his father looking off into the distance, lost in thought for a half-second. The way the dust moved in the light, or something they’d been discussing would remind them of someone. Someone from the previous war: someone like Bryn. Max already felt bitter for the pauses he would make in the future in that same way, remembering old friends whose lives should have meant more.

The pressure was so heavy he couldn’t move to step forward and talk even if he wanted to. Luckily Rowena was with him to nudge Max’s stiff body along, filing past their friend’s resting place. When he dropped the daisies in his hand to bid him goodbye, Max apologized to Bryn in his head. He was sorry this happened, that their friend had been wrapped up in this sickening game for no reason other than his kindness and concern.

As the mourners dispersed Max barely noticed Rowena’s leading them to a bench. His empathy was still weighted down with their colleagues’ tears; when he finally felt light enough to look up at Rowena it was still with clouded eyes. He sighed, tracing circles in the back of her palm with his thumb. Her knuckles were sharp, he could feel their shape and trace the metacarpals up to her wrist. The thought dawned on him slowly and his brow furrowed, but before he could ask Rowena spoke first.

"I've missed you," she said quietly once she was seated. "Sorry I haven't been around since..."

Max nodded as she trailed off. He understood too well; the last couple days he’d been sleeping in the living room of his apartment, the better to hear anyone at the front door or Eden if she needed him. A strange sort of paranoia overtook you after this kind of trauma. Max was familiar; he’d felt it before. He’d seen it before.

“I missed you too.” A bittersweet smile rose into his cheeks as he met her eyes. She was so beautiful, even somehow on a day like this. Max was emotionally and physically exhausted and it was evident on every inch of his face. Somehow, Rowena was unscathed. “How… Are you alright? Your parents doing okay?” He reached up to touch her cheek, his forehead knitting together in concern when she shied away from him.

[Rowena Jones]

“How… Are you alright? Your parents doing okay?”

She really wished he'd stop trying to touch her, Rowena thought as she shied away from his hand. He was suspicious already she could tell. She looked away, pretending to watch the last few people leave the funeral. "I'm ok..." Rowena said before shaking her head. "No. I'm not." It was hard to sum up how she felt. She was still alive. Supposed some people would tell her to be grateful but every day felt like a fog. She'd wake up from terror filled nights, and for one blissful second, she'd forget all that had happened, think it had all just been part of the nightmare. And then reality would hit her hard and she'd remember the truth of that accusing empty stare. The thousand voices that had invaded her work life. She hadn't been back to Mungos since they'd found Bryn, but she was due back the next day.

"My parents are fine. I haven't told them much. It's nothing to do with them, I don't want them to worry... they have enough to deal with you know?" Rowena continued. They'd asked why she'd been putting up wards but she'd made up some excuse that she just wanted to renew them, that it was routine work. That she'd been home for a couple of days was odd but not inexplicable. She'd been spending more time with them since her dad's heart attack. Her parents had assumed that her relationship with Max had helped her find a better balance with her work life.

"They asked about you. Wanted to know if you'd like to come for lunch one day," she said somewhat bitterly. Sometimes being a part of two very different worlds was draining. The Wizarding World was falling apart around her whereas the Muggle side was content and blissfully unaware. 

Rowena let out a deep sigh, looking back at Max, scanning his face properly. She frowned in concern. "How are you holding up? Have you been back to Mungos since? I'm...I don't know how I'm going to do it Max."

[Max Kameren]

“How… Are you alright? Your parents doing okay?”

"I'm ok..." Rowena said before shaking her head. "No. I'm not." Max froze where he was on the bench, watching and listening with careful concern; his instinct was to touch her, to comfort her, but he could tell that wasn’t what she wanted. In its absence he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself, so he listened. "My parents are fine. […] They asked about you. Wanted to know if you'd like to come for lunch one day," she said somewhat bitterly.

Max smiled sheepishly and looked down at his hands: life went on. It felt surreal to move on from this, to talk about the domesticity of their day-to-day lives in the wake of something so horrible. The image of Bryn’s hollowed eyes still haunted Max when he closed his eyes; they could start acting like life was moving forward, but that image wouldn’t leave him for some time. Not until they figured out what they were fighting.

Rowena let out a deep sigh, looking back at Max, scanning his face properly. She frowned in concern. "How are you holding up? Have you been back to Mungos since? I'm...I don't know how I'm going to do it Max."

“I’ve been back. I’ll be there for you when you’re ready to return.” He looked up and met her eyes with a reassuring smile. He reached out to take her hand, but stopped short and let his hand drop between them.

For him, Max had tried to keep it business as usual. This was how he operated. It had been the same when his father died; the only days he missed were the day of his death and the day of the funeral. If he kept himself busy, kept his body working he could keep away from his thoughts. He ran away from his mourning rather than dwell in it. If he worked through it with enough time his mourning would fade, he knew. It never felt fully dealt with, but it would become manageable. The loss never left, not really.

Max shrugged. “Every person we can help is another life saved in his memory.” If Bryn couldn’t be there, they would. They owed him that, after everything.

[Rowena Jones]

“I’ve been back. I’ll be there for you when you’re ready to return. Every person we can help is another life saved in his memory.”

It had been a mistake coming here alone with Max. It was torture being this close to him, in this moment where she needed, where they both needed, to draw comfort from each other. And yet she couldn't. One touch on her face, one embrace around her waist, and he'd know. Holding his hand had been risky enough but she'd been weak. And she'd noticed his questioning glances. And now he was anticipating that she'd pull away when she never had before. It was time to go.

"I'm due back tomorrow. I'll see -" she trailed off mid-sentence so used to saying she'd come by his office, or they'd meet up for lunch, or just find any excuse to see each other for even a few minutes. But today had shown her how dangerous that was. And as much as the idea of dealing with the horror of returning to the Hospital with all it's monstrous memories alone terrified her, the alternative of Max discovering the truth was worse. She'd manage. And she'd just have to find excuses to stay away from Max, as much as that idea hurt.

Rowena continued as if she hadn't just stopped in the middle of her sentence, glancing up at the sky as she lied. "I have to go. My parents are expecting me back any minute. Sorry." She wasn't sure what she was apologising for but she couldn't not say it. She felt terrible and it wasn't just her weakened sickly body. Her heart ached as she tore herself away from her boyfriend, standing up with a sad smile. "Tomorrow then," she said, even as she knew she'd be doing everything she could to stay away from him. And then Rowena turned on her heel and left him alone.

[Max Kameren]

There seemed to be a lingering subtext to their interaction that left Max in the dark. It was a compromising position for Max and not one the empath was used to. As he felt her cool to his touch he searched in his mind for what to say, any gesture he could make to get her to open back up to him. In the other traumatizing incidents of their short relationship Max and Rowena had banded together. Now she was pulling away. Was it finally too much?

"I'm due back tomorrow. I'll see -"

Max bowed his head sheepishly as he felt her aura slip into the casual affection of their previous relationship before she caught her guard again. For the millionth time since they started dating Max wished he could read thoughts over emotions: what was she thinking? Was this strange distance feeling as forced to her as it was to him? What Max was picking up in her aura wasn’t matching the words coming out of her mouth, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

"I have to go. My parents are expecting me back any minute. Sorry."

He smiled and sighed, trying to ignore the telltale twinge of a lie. What was she hiding from him, after all this? What could be worse? “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

"Tomorrow then," she echoed. Max watched her turn and disappear in a pop. With her absence it was just Max left on the hill. He sighed, snapping his head back and slouching on the bench until his head hit the top of the back. He stared up at the peaceful Welsh sky for a long moment, until he couldn’t take it anymore and stood. His gaze lingered for a moment on Bryn’s grave before he too turned on his heel and left for home.